Counseling Blog

Letter to a Bully

2011-08-31T04:22:00Z

Dear Bully,

Today you were at the neighborhood park with a bunch of your friends. I was there, too, with my three young children. My kids were doing what children normally do at the park—sliding slides, holding on merry-go-rounds, running, laughing, making friends. You and your dozen or so teenaged friends were congregating there, doing what I would guess you normally do together—laughing, yelling, skateboarding, flirting.

I don’t know if you remember my son; your interaction with him was just a minute or two long. In that short time, though, you teased him, embarrassed him, and intimidated him. I truly hope this is not one of things you regularly do at the park while hanging with your friends. I hope this was so out of character for you that you do remember my son’s sad face.

Maybe it’s a sad face you would recognize if you looked in the mirror. Have you been bullied? Has someone older and stronger than you used their power to make you feel small? Is that why you picked on someone someone so much younger, smaller, and so obviously outnumbered? If so, I am so sorry. I hurt for the anger that must have built in you against the bully in your life. I imagine that you feel bigger when you can return that humiliation on to someone else.

Have you been belittled? Did someone make you feel weak? Maybe being the center of attention alleviates some of that pain for you. Although you were the one with the hurtful words and actions, there was quite a crowd there to laugh and encourage you. That must have made you feel pretty important. You know who was important in that crowd? Your one friend who stood up for my son, who said repeatedly, “Leave the kid alone!” I’d encourage you to be important like that guy. Be the one who stands up for the weaker, rather than tears them down. That is true power.

My son will be okay. I reminded him how he is so very good, strong, smart, and capable; and I reminded him that a bully can’t take that away from him with words or actions (just to make him smile, I suggested he could challenge you to just about any school exam and he’d kick your tail!). I want to tell you that same message. You are not “Bully”. You are good, strong, smart, and capable. No matter who has told you otherwise by word or deed can not take that away from you. You don’t have to prove your worth; you are worthwhile just because you are a human being.

I forgive you. Now go and play nice.

- mom at the park

School Success!

2011-08-25T18:19:19Z

With the boxes of crayons, notebooks, pencil sharpeners, and lunch boxes, Target and every other store has been reminding us for weeks that it is BACK TO SCHOOL time. There is much to do as families get back in the swing of the school routine. Bedtimes and early wake ups have to be reestablished. New gym shoes must be purchased. Those dreaded sack lunches need to be planned. Childcare, transportation, sports fees, band instruments, homework help…it’s enough to make a parent dizzy!

Now think back to your childhood or teens years. What concerned you about going back to school? What is concerning the kids who come in to my office each week?...

My best friend isn’t coming back to my school, so who will I hang out with?

There was this jerk that was really making fun of me a lot at the end of last year. I hope he finds someone else to pick on.

I have to take chemistry this year. If I don’t pass, I won’t graduate. How will I do it?!

I will never be able to memorize the times tables. I’m a total idiot.

My teacher this year is a witch, I’ve heard. I’m totally freaked out by her!

Some children face a lot of stress as they transition back to school. Change, even good change like being in a new grade or new school or having the opportunity to make new friends, brings an added dimension of stress. Keep in mind these helpful tips:

Be Attuned to Your Child
Beyond mindlessly asking “How was your day?”, really talk to your child about his school experience. As kids get older they often don’t like to have their conversations face to face, so use the time in the car or while making dinner together to have these check-ins. Watch for body language and signs of stress - eating more or less, changes in temperament, increase in solitary time, sleep disturbances, etc. Don’t feel like you have to give answers for their concerns. Just being heard will be a tremendous blessing.

Establish Routines
Start off the school year with solid sleeping and eating times. Make sure you are eating together at the table (with no tv!) several times per week. Schedule in fun activities that will connect your family - a walk after dinner, frisbee golf on Saturday morning, church on Sunday.

Be a Healthy Family
Provide healthy foods for your kids, which will give them the needed energy boost for those long school days. Let your children see that a healthy lifestyle is part of your family values by exercising and having fun together. Make sure everyone is doing what they can to get a full night of sleep. Take little steps that will increase your energy and joy quotient. Be an emotionally and mentally healthy family - where laughter, peace, and love are the foundation.

If you want to give your child an extra boost as they engage in this new school year, have them enrolled in one of my School Success counseling groups. This is a great low-cost alternative or addition to family or individual counseling. We will focus on those needs presented by the groups - peer pressure, anxiety, behavior, relationships, or wherever their needs are. It will be fun, engaging, encouraging, and educational!

Gotta run - I think I heard the bell!

“I’m Good Enough. I’m Smart Enough…”

2011-07-18T02:40:48Z

Recently a friend made this post on her social media sites:

This week may kill me. Why is mothering so full of guilt sometimes?

Ah, mother guilt. It’s there from the earliest moments—C-section or epidural? Midwife or hospital? Bottle or nursing? It only seems to magnify as the child ages—Working mom or stay at home? Public or private or home schooling? Should my child be allowed to Facebook, have a phone, drive, go on dates?

In this new enlightened time of shared parenting, dads get to share in their own dose of parent guilt. Can’t make the soccer game because of a work meeting? Pow! Turn down that overtime in order to get to the soccer game but then don’t have enough money to pay for soccer camp? Bam!

Kids should come with care tags, like our clothes:

Handle with firm, but loving care. Expect to fall deeply in love. Prone to self-centeredness. May cause guilt.

D.W. Winnicott, a psychoanalyst from the middle of the past century, coined the wonderful phrase “the good enough parent”. The idea is that a parent responds to a child’s cues, developing the vital foundation of trust between parent and child. As the child develops, the parent recognizes the child’s greater need of independence, and thus gives the child small doses of greater freedom. It is in those small doses that we parent just “enough”.

What I love about the idea of the good enough parent is that it is actually necessary that parents mess up. If I was to be a perfect parent, my children would not learn some basic lessons that are needed prior to walking out the front door into the big world. It is through their relationship with their very fallible mother that my children learn that love can be unconditional, that people can fight fair, that sincere, humble apologies make life sweeter. When you lose your cool and yell at your child (none of us expected to be “yellers”, did we?), they learn from you how to take responsibility, to ask for forgiveness, and to restore the relationship.

Children are learning from the adults around them each and every day. And really, how many of us are striving to be less perfect? This is about giving ourselves a break. You are human (gasp!), and you do make mistakes. Our kids can learn imperative lessons from those missteps. So let’s make those fouls worth something, shall we?

So, mom, dad, pat yourself on the back. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have right now. And it’s a dang good job. Let go of that idea of being the perfect parent. Those mistakes that sneak through are teaching your child important life lessons. You are a Good Enough Parent!

Super Bowl Secrets

2011-02-04T22:38:28Z

As a girl with three older brothers I was occasionally (but it felt like mostly) left out of the boys’ events. Our family revolved around Boy Scouts, where my dad was the Scout Master and my three brothers each worked his way through the ranks, eventually all earning the prestigious title of Eagle Scout. Given that we didn’t qualify for participation, this gave my mom and me significant alone time. Each Monday as the boys donned their olive green uniforms and headed to their meetings, mom and I had our own routine…Are You Ready for some Football?! In our family of sports participants, mom and I are the ones who teeter on the edge of football fanatics. It’s a beautiful thing! So, this Sunday I will be right where I was all of those Monday nights—on the couch by my mom watching grown men crush each other with reckless abandon.

There is a host of other girls who are going to have their own Super Bowl experience this weekend—experiences that are far from beautiful. MSNBC.com reports that the Super Bowl is one of the largest sex trafficking events in the United States, with estimates of 10,000 women and girls having been brought in for past Super Bowl weekends to be used in the sex industry. Many, many of these girls have been taken from their lives and been thrust into a horrific slavery.

As pointed out in an ABC expose on the topic last year, many Americans ignore sex trafficking, seeing it as an issue that belongs to other countries. But many experts estimate that there are 300,000 underage children in the sex trade in America. It is often a middle-class teenage girl who meets a charming older guy at the mall and, by the end of the night, becomes trapped in a world of abuse and agony. My own home city, Portland, Oregon, is one of the hot zones for this despicable scene that is repeated all over our country.

What can you do about it?
* Become aware. There are a lot of great articles, seminars, and organizations dedicated to this important issue. Find out what is happening where you live and support those positive efforts. Let’s not be blind to this as a nation. Let’s work together to get these girls and boys back to their homes or to other places of safety.
* If you see a teen who appears to be living a life in the sex trade, do something! He or she is a child who needs help, not to be ignored.
* Along with what you are telling them about how to safe from predators online and strangers on the street corner, teach your own children in an age-appropriate manner about how to protect themselves.
* Do not tolerate your friends, co-workers, relatives (or yourself!) participating in the illegal, pathetic, and disgusting behavior of soliciting sex for money.

This is a tough, ugly subject that, honestly, I would really rather not talk about. I’d rather write about something fun and witty that will make you smile, rather than make you feel nauseated and cringe. But being uncomfortable is what we need before we will stand up against this silent slavery in our great country. So this weekend, as you judge the commercials and cheer for the green and yellow or black and gold, think of the girls who should be doing the same, but can’t. Then do something about it.

Personality Type

2011-01-16T01:16:35Z

Whatever the circumstances of your life,
the understanding of your [personality] type can make your
perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder,
and your life closer to your heart’s desire.
-Isabel Briggs Myers

My choice to enter the field of psychology many years ago was greatly influenced by my fascination with those factors that come together to shape a person be the person he or she is. Birth order, societal influences, traumas, successes, genetics, choices - all play a part in how a person feels, thinks, and behaves. The way one prefers to gather information and interact with the world is part of the larger picture of one’s personality type.

The Myers-Briggs (MBTI) is one of the most highly respected and amazingly accurate personality indicators. Through this questionnaire, one can discover or have affirmed how and to what extent you prefer to interact with others, communicate, lead, and resolve conflict. It is a great joy to discover with people those unique aspects of their own personality.

The eight dimensions of personality type examined are:

Introvert-Extrovert
From where do you draw your energy? Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world?

Sensing - Intuition
How do you prefer to process information? Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning?

Thinking - Feeling
How do you prefer to make decisions? When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances?

Judgment - Perception
How do you prefer to organize your life? In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options?

You can take an online (unofficial) version here. Feel free to share your type in the comments & what you think about type studies.

Introvert Interview

2010-08-04T22:47:02Z

One of my all-time favorite topics is personality type. My greatest life passion is being a follower of Jesus. So when I saw a book titled Introverts in the Church, I almost fell apart with excitement! I bugged Santa incessantly about bringing me one for Christmas, but broke down early and got it myself. Adam McHugh wrote this book for a portion of the population who feels a bit like foreigners in an extroverted land. Adam discusses how to introverts can live and minister in ways that are consistent to the great personalities with which the Lord blessed them.

Adam and I have not met personally, but we have become acquainted through social media. Because of our shared interests, he asked to interview me for his blog. Enjoy!

Adam: I think a lot of people might assume that therapist is an ideal vocation for an introvert. Lots of one-on-one interaction, lots of listening and deep conversation. Why are those people who assume that right? Why are those people wrong?

Kristi: I have more often had the opposite assumption stated to me—how can an introvert be in a job that requires talking to people all day? This kind of statement comes from misunderstanding, both of the role of a counselor and, more importantly to this blog, the traits of an introvert.

A counselor does spend the day with people, but it is so much more than just talking—or just listening either, even if that aspect is a more comfortable role for the introvert. It is a relationship—a relationship built on trust. If I were to look at my day in view of the number of words I would have to speak or the number of minutes I would have to be listening, it would be daunting, no doubt about it! But I am spending time with people for whom I have genuine concern and empathy. I desire to see each more healthy and am honored to be a part of the process.

As an introvert, counseling is not just “spending all day with people” either. That statement is based in the faulty, but all too prevalent, thought that introverts do not like people! On the contrary, introverts love to really know people, to get past the surface and build true, genuine relationship.

Adam: What strengths do introverts bring into a therapeutic setting? How does your introversion help you with your clients?

Kristi: There are so many aspects that go into the choice to become a counselor that whether one draws energy from crowds or prefers solitude may play a small role in the overall picture. There are some great advantages that an introvert brings to the table, though. Introverts are generally good listeners. We talk less and listen more. It is quite natural for us to be the ones who ask questions and deeply and intently listen to the answers. Although I know many great extroverted counselors, there has been times that I have wondered how they keep their talkative natures in check!

Introverts are processors. We often are able to take what is said and thoughtfully summarize or clarify. We take time with the topics at hand and feel no compulsion to rush ahead. This can be very helpful when working with a hesitant client.

The pace of counseling is generally a good ﬁt for introverts. It is a quiet, relaxed atmosphere, free from sensory assaults which can overload an introvert. There is space to think, even in the way that there are days inbetween sessions in which the introverted counselor can continue to process client discussions. Unlike my job as a professor,which, although I greatly enjoy, thoroughly drains me, I am energized after I have spent time with clients.

Introverts often exude a calm steadiness, which is extremely beneﬁcial to clients who are feeling anything but calm and steady. There is a consistency in tone and manner.

* To read the rest of the interview, please go to Adam’s blog - here

Acknowledge the Feeling

2010-08-01T23:21:12Z

If one were to poll those who have sought out the help of a counselor, there might be a wide range of answers. A few repeats would undoubtedly pop up as well: I need help sorting out my issues...It is important that I find some direction...My relationships are in trouble. One answer that may be voiced as well, but also is surely hidden within many of the other reasons given is: I just want to be heard.

Doesn’t every human desire to be understood? There is great comfort and peace in simply sensing that someone else empathizes with our experience—whether it is something pithy like a knowing glance from another patron who is having to wait on the same slow bank teller or if it is an issue deeply profound and troubling, such as a tender note received from another parent who has a sick child like your own. As people who are hard-wired for connection with others, we truly need to know that someone else “gets us”. Children are no different in this respect.

There are a number of things that happen when you acknowledge a child’s feelings as the catalyst in a conversation. You are communicating to that child:

You have my attention. That may not significant on the surface, but it is a profound message to anyone, let alone a child! Think about what kids must do to get the attention of the adults in their lives. They are competing with computers, cell phones, t.v., work, chores, church, friends, volunteering, other children, rest, exercise…and the list goes on. By saying the child’s name, followed by the feeling that they appear to be exploring, lets that child know that they are in your focus.

What you are experiencing is real. As children navigate new developmental stages, they may be exploring some feelings for the first time or at least in a new context. It can be confusing and unnerving to feel one or multiple emotions which are unfamiliar. Stating the feeling for the child assists the child in sorting out what it is that so desperately desire to express.

Your feelings matter. As adults we often want children to behave, to comply without taking the time to figure out what the child is really doing. What is happening from the child’s perspective? The child’s behavior makes sense—to them. In taking the time to be attuned to the child’s feelings, wishes, and wants, we are giving the message that how you feel is as important to me as how you behave.

Jaime, I can see that you are really mad!

Devin, it looks like you may be feeling left out of the group.

Kendra, I wonder if you are jealous that your sister got to go and you didn’t.

Caleb, you are really excited to be here today!

This simple communication tool can be a tremendous aid for both the adult and the child as they navigate the complexity of a dynamic relationship, as well as each individual’s emotional and developmental station in life. And if a child feels heard now, maybe they’ll be that much more willing to communicate as the years progress.

Facing Bipolar

2010-03-20T23:16:01Z

The formal study of psychology is a fairly young field in the scope of history. Throughout time, as people struggled with emotional or psychological issues, they were seen as demonized, crazy, or some other culturally relevant term that would deem them an outcast. As this field continues to be refined through thorough scientific study and developments in technology, genetics, and brain mapping, we are learning more about the diagnoses and treatment of the various mental disorders.

There may be no disorder that is more challenging to understand and to live through than bipolar (what was previously know as manic-depressive). Without getting into too much detail as to the various specifics, bipolar is a condition where an individual experiences periods of debilitating depression and abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) states, which interferes with daily functioning. Because of the varied emotional intensity that a person endures with bipolar, it is often difficult to diagnose correctly, and even more difficult to find the correct balance of mood stabilizing medications.

Can you imagine?...For months you felt unmotivated, lacking in energy, hating yourself and life; you couldn’t remember simple things, which has led you to lose your job; you turned most of your family and friends away because of your irritability. You had been thinking for a while that it would be better just to end it all…Then things started getting better. Your mood improved; you felt great about yourself! You didn’t need as much sleep, which allowed you to clean the house like crazy or get those neglected projects done. It was irritating how your mind raced, never slowing down, but you found you could keep a conversation going with anyone about anything forever. Man, it was great! Colors were brighter, more vivid! Songs were so rich and full of energy!...Soon it seemed like those colors were so bright they might blind. Your own skin felt like it might explode, and now your brain is whirling so quickly that you can’t even find a thought to hang on to. You sleep hardly at all, and you’ve found that smoking pot or drinking alcohol are the only things that can dull it a little. You try to find any activity that will keep up with all of your energy - motorcycle riding, sex, shopping - but nothing works. You feel like you are going crazy!

Some version of this scenario is the story for about 2.6 percent of the adult population in the U.S. - that’s 5.7 million people (see NIMH website), with the onset of the disorder blossoming during the late teens and early twenties for most. Some will spend much of a year in one state or the other; with those who have “rapid cycling” bipolar, the stages can switch within days.

In the book Facing Bipolar, Russ Federman & J. Anderson Thomson tackle this issue with clarity and reality. They use the perspective of speaking to a young adult who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar, laying out how to get help, how to tell others, and how to manage daily life:

When you travel to a new city, it helps to have a map close at hand. On the first day of school, you need to have your schedule of classes. And if you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or suspect you may have it, then it’s even more important to have a guidebook within reach.

I highly recommend this book to those who have been diagnosed, those family and friends who are supporting someone with this specific difficulty, and to mental health practitioners who want a clearer understanding of what it means to walk daily with bipolar.

Just Stop It

2010-02-27T06:01:58Z

My son has joined the wide world of competitive sports. As our family entered this period with excitement, I also recognized that we have just entered a very long road that may not have an end for another dozen years!

We’ve all heard about “those” sports parents. You know the ones - parents who throw fits or fists, who yell at refs, their own kids, other kids, other parents, the vending guys. Here are a few reminders that I picked up on while watching my son play:

Be an Encourager

It takes courage for children to put themselves on display. The effort that they put forth deserves honor and respect. Yes, grandma, you telling your grandson that he “deserves to lose because of his lousy performance” may shame him into better production, but the output will not be his own. Children may get results out of fear or anger, but how much greater for kids to be motivated by words of affirmation! Build him up and see what happens!

Be Calm

I know that sports, drama, music or other forms of entertainment can get a parents blood pumping - it absolutely does mine. We want our children to not only be accomplished, but to excel to the potential that we dream is within them! It is natural to be excited, frustrated, elated, disappointed - but that is never an excuse to be ugly. Dad, giving your child the cold shoulder when he comes off court for an injury gives him the message that “you are no good to me unless you are winning”. Mom, walking out on to the court to voice your complaint to the ref during the game teaches your child that he can not handle these issues. And besides, it’s really mortifying.

Keep Perspective

Extra curricular activities are important. Kids can learn amazing life lessons about teamwork, work ethics, boundaries, confidence, and disappointment. These activities may also be a hope for you to fulfill your own unrealized dreams or a path for your child to go to college. But, people, come on! Parent coach, when your daughter is crying from a painful injury, those lectures that include phrases like “this is part of the game” and “you know what you need to do” really aren’t helpful. Yes, she finished the game, but did you see her face in the team photo afterwards? That was not joy in the game.

Can we make a deal? Can all of us grown-ups who watch kids sports commit to, I don’t know, acting like grown-ups? Let’s cheer, encourage, support, honor, and love kids as they make themselves vulnerable in a public way.

Cheer with me: “S-U-C-C-E-S-S, we wish you luck and all the rest with S-U-C-C-E-S-S!”

The Primal Wound, part 2

2010-02-16T06:02:46Z

Parents who have chosen the route of adoption, either because they could not have their own children or they simply felt a calling to bless a child’s life in this most profound way, deserve our thanks. Children who may have otherwise experienced life in multiple foster homes or in orphanages are given the opportunity to have a stable families and a consistent homes. There is no gift that can cause such an impact to a child who desperately needs love and compassion.

As stated in the last post, there are special considerations that parents must take into account when bringing a child into their home through adoption. Even in the most ideal of adoptions, when the child was well cared for pre-natally and handed to the adoptive parents at birth, attachment must be nurtured and deliberate throughout the child’s development. When a child is adopted in the toddler years, early childhood or teen years, the implications and needs are unique and must be considered.

Some examples of potential areas to foster attachment:
Bedtime - At the same time each night have an unhurried time to accomplish the nighttime family habits. Include in this ways for the child to unwind and relax, as well as bond with you as their parent through books, made up stories, songs, or prayers.
Photos - Have family portraits taken early and often, so the child can see visible reminders of being a permanent part of the family.
Holidays & Celebrations - Allow the child to help plan family events that will become traditions. It is especially helpful if the child comes from another culture to blend the old culture into your family’s culture for a beautiful, unique mix.
Meals - Commit to eating as a family around the table, with no television or other distractions. Allow each family member time for sharing what is happening in their lives that is positive and those things that are difficult.
Memory Books - Start a memory book with your child right away with pictures and mementos surrounding the adoption and early days together.
Appropriate Touch - Whenever possible and taking into consideration what will be helpful for your particular child, touch through tickling, hugs, holding hands, back rubs, hair stroking, playful wrestling.
Affirm - At all ages, reinforce to your child verbally how much they mean to you, how you are glad they are a part of your family, how you love them - forever.
Sensitivity - Be cognizant of events or circumstances that might be especially hard, given your child’s special relationship to you and the world - changes in routine (new school, new schedule), losses (new teacher, friend moving), fears (the dark, being alone).

Even years after a child has been adopted, he or she may experience fears of abandonment or questions about the circumstances involving the adoption. Something like a trip for mom and dad or a big brother playfully locking a child in the bathroom can trigger deeply hidden feelings of loss and abandonment.

So let this just serve as a little reminder. If you are the parent of or even a friend of someone who has been adopted, be aware of the special circumstances and feelings that person may have, even if it has been years since the adoption.

The Primal Wound

2010-01-24T00:40:10Z

In Nancy Verrier’s book, The Primal Wound, she describes a story about a little girl who had been adopted as a baby. This little girl, now four years old, had a nightmare one night and cried out. Her mother rushed in to comfort her, holding her and whispering, “It’s okay, Mommy is here.” The little girl responded, “I want my other mommy!” This little girl had been adopted at birth and had not yet been told her story of adoption.

A colleague had a client who struggled her entire life with anxiety, depression, and identity issues. After this client’s parents died, she began to do family research, hoping to find answers into her deep-felt questions about who she was. In her research she discovered that she was indeed adopted at birth. This news did not surprise her in the least, and she went on the hunt to find her birth family.

Many years ago I had a beautiful 12-year-old girl as a client. She had been diagnosed at one time or another with almost every possible mental disorder, but most prominently struggled with RAD (reactive attachment disorder, a mental health issue that occurs when a child does not have healthy bonding with a primary caregiver in his earliest years, characterized by inappropriate social relationship and indiscriminate bonding). She had been adopted at six weeks of age; the weeks prior were filled with violence and neglect.

How did these individuals know that they had been adopted? How is it possible that events that occurred prenatally or within the first few weeks of life could have such a lasting impact?

Babies were at one time seen as free from feeling or understanding. There is much research that now shows that even babies in utero express anger, fear, joy, and other reactions and emotions. Babies who were within a mother who experienced abuse during the pregnancy show greater startle reflexes and other signs of experiencing personal abuse. Within moments after birth, babies respond to the smell or sound of the one who carried them for those many months. We all carry with us the significant memories of our lives, even those that we can not readily access. Those memories are there, just stored away in our unconscious, affecting us in ways we may not understand.

Does it not make sense that a child recognizes that the arms of the person in whom she is placed is not the same person whom she spent the previous 40 weeks?

Research is showing that this is in fact the case. And since that is being shown to be true, it stands to reason that there will be a disconnect for all children who are raised by someone other than the biological parent.

Is this disconnect insurmountable? Are all children who are adopted destined to be visiting a psychologists office for the remainder of their lives? Absolutely not! Children who are adopted into loving, caring homes can lead whole, healthy, beautiful lives (as many children who live with biological parents will also have terribly messy lives!). What this does mean, though, is that children who are adopted have a need that will be different than those children who live with biological parents. Deliberate steps of attachment and bonding are essential, not only in the first weeks and months after an adoption, but throughout the child’s life, taking into account those especially poignant times of identity development (e.g. going to school - where some unfortunately tease adopted children, puberty, going away to college).

To be continued…

* I understand that adoption is a very personal and sensitive subject for many. If I used any word choices or ideas that are offensive to you, I apologize and ask that you send me an email so that we might dialogue about it. kristi@kristicashwhite.com

Play Relief

2010-01-17T00:43:04Z

This week the world has been witness to a horrible natural disaster in the country of Haiti. An earthquake with an epicenter in the heart of the capital city devastated the tiny island country, with the death toll estimated to be as high as 200,000. Like many of you, as I have seen the graphic images and heard the heart-breaking stories, I have felt an urgent need to help in some way.*

It is especially painful for me to think of the children there. How confused they must be! How lost. How very, very frightened. Many have seen their homes, their schools, the places that are familiar destroyed. Some have witnessed family, friends, and teachers die. All have lost a sense of security, peace, and a portion of their childhood innocence.

Five years ago I was chosen to join an international delegation of play therapists to bring help and healing to the children of Sri Lanka following the devastating Indian Ocean tsunami that wiped out over 35,000 in that country alone, and around 200,000 worldwide. We arrived just over one month following the tsunami; it was a delicate time of balance between grief, anguish, and shock on one side and precarious hope and rebuilding teetering on the other. Some powerful lessons were reinforced for me on that journey.

1. All children need to play. Even in, or especially in, times of crisis and uncertainty, children need the emotional and relational release of play.

2. Play is the universal communication tool of children. We could not speak the language of the children, but with bubbles, stickers, balls, and puppets, we were able to share examples of hope and “hear” from the children their stories of pain and healing.

3. Play is simple. Kids do not need fancy game systems or store bought toys to have fun. With the children, we built entire villages with sticks, rocks, bricks, and whatever else could be found in the debris.

My heart and my prayers go out for the people of Haiti. If I can get over there to play with some children, I will. Please consider how you can help.

* Text “Haiti” to 90999 to give $10 to the Red Cross for those who need help in Haiti ($10 will be added to your cell phone bill). So easy!

Favorite Childrens Books

2009-12-22T20:46:48Z

It just occurred to me that we are finishing out a decade in a few days! I know, I know - how could I miss something so obvious? At the end of the last decade I had recently bought our first house, finished up graduate school, traveled to Africa with my husband, planted a church, and was neck-deep in my early counseling career. My reading lists included epics like Man’s Search for Meaning, Breaking Down Barriers, and The Celebration of Discipline.

At the end of this decade, some things look different while others look very similar. We’re in a different house, around the corner from the church we planted. I am back around to a growing counseling career that I love, along with fulfilling the dream of teaching college. Allan gets to do all of the traveling with his work, which is a blessing and a curse. Then there’s those three kids (with a fourth for a while) added to the mix. As I write this, all the pillows & cushions in the house have been gathered in the living room for a fort. My son is wearing eight pairs of underwear on various parts of his body. My oldest girl is putting on a fashion show for me (“now I’m Oprah!”), while the youngest is dressing herself in the same dress she’s been wearing for the last two days. This is a great time of life!

My reading list has this past decade has been less theory and self-discovery and more alphabets and rhyming. Thank goodness I love children’s books! So to close out this decade I am compiling a list of my favorite children’s books of this past decade. These are an absolute must have for everyone’s library! In no particular order…

Skippyjon Jones

Judy Schachner writes the absolute best books about a little Siamese cat with a big imagination. These are a blast to read out loud, using my best Spanish accent.

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

What a fun way to learn the alphabet! This great rhyming story does not get annoying like so many kids books. You will gladly end up reciting this one in your sleep.

Hooway for Wodney Wat

I LOVE Wodney, a cute little rat with an unfortunate speech impediment. He is the recipient of much playground teasing, until he alone conquers the formidable Camilla Capybara. Love, love this story!

My First Little House

This classic series has a great early reader version. The pictures are beautiful and it transports me right back to my Little House days of old. I especially like Dance at Grandpa’s.

Just in Case You Ever Wonder

I must have read Max Lucado’s sweet book about the love between a parent and child fifty times before I was able to get through it without tears. “God wants me to tell you about heaven…we’ll be there together forever.”

To Market, To Market

Another classic changed up for some great fun! The illustrations are hilarious with animals in all the cupboards and corners of the poor, frazzled lady’s kitchen as she attempts to make “hot soup for lunch”.

Jan Brett’s books

Jan Brett’s books are some of the most gorgeous out there. The Mitten and Goldilocks & the Three Bears are my personal favorites in her series. With or without kids, anyone will enjoy having these. They are captivating.

Guess How Much I Love You?

Ah, another sweet one. The little nutbrown hare and his daddy are trying to outdo each other in expressing their love for one another. So precious!

My Little Book About God, Where Did the Baby Go? & other Eloise Wilkins books

Her illustrations are so beautiful and were a favorite of my childhood.

Are You My Mother?

I love using all sorts of funny voices for the dog, cow, and of course, the indomitable Snort, in this classic.

Would You Like to Play Hide & Seek in This Book With Lovable, Furry Old Grover? & The Monster at the End of This Book

These two Sesame Street books are fun and creative and never grow old.

When Jessie Came Across the Sea

One of my all-time favorite books! Jessie’s story is a bit long, so it works well for kids who have developed more of an attention span. But it is worth it! It is a beautiful story with the most gorgeous illustrations ever.

American Girl

As we end this decade, we are entering the world of chapter books, like Junie B Jones & Magic Treehouse. The American Girl series are solid history lessons wrapped around great stories.

Get to a bookstore and add these to your collection! What are some I’m missing?

It’s Not Fair!

2009-12-04T23:53:33Z

Life can be really hard sometimes. Not in the cliche way that we heard from our parents when we didn’t get our way: “Life’s hard, buddy.” But it can hurt in deep and profound and paralyzing ways. Sometimes, like the kid who didn’t get his way, I want to stomp my feet and yell, “But it’s not fair!”

It’s not fair that I have a friend who is bringing her daughter home from the hospital today after the kind of deep scare that happens when leukemia and H1N1 are attacking the same little body. It’s not fair that a couple of my college-aged friends are chatting online about, with no funds for heat, how cold their apartments are, when it’s only supposed to get colder next week. It’s not fair that a friend is agonizing over the hurtful words of another, unsure of how to take the next step.

Fair. I hear that word a lot as a parent and a counselor of kids. And, unfortunately, in my own head. But what is fair? Does fair mean that I get what I want? Does fair mean that no one else gets to have it better than I do? Does fair mean freedom from unpleasantness?

I am reminded of and convicted by an old parable. In this story there was a wealthy man with vast fields that required a lot of workers. Each day the foreman would go out and gather workers to harvest the fields. In the early morning, the foreman went out and asked for a set number of workers. By mid-day he noticed that they were not going to reach their goals for the day, so he went back out brought in another group of workers to add to the force. With just an hour left in the workday, he decided he wanted to push for the goal, so he brought in another group of workers. At the end of the day, all of the workers lined up to be paid, starting with those who had been working the longest. He paid them a day’s wages, a fair and agreed upon amount. When the group that had arrived at noon came to the front of the line, they were paid the same amount, a day’s wage. Then those who had only worked the last hour came forward and were pleased to also be paid a full day’s wage.

How would you respond? I know I would have said exactly what the first workers said - “That’s not fair! We worked all day and these guys only worked one hour! I deserve more! It’s not fair!” To which the wise owner replied, “Did I not pay you a standard amount, the amount that we agreed upon at the beginning of the day?” Well, yes. “Then what’s it to you if I choose to pay these others more? I gave you what we agreed to - that is fair.”

So the crud of life, the hard stuff, is actually fair? If I understand this parable correctly, yes. In our Western culture, we have been lulled into a sense of entitlement, that we should never have to wait, to be uncomfortable, to hurt. We know that things will be tough in life, so we should not be so surprised when bad things happen. It would serve us well to see that when things are going especially well for ourselves or others, that we are seeing the blessing of receiving a day’s pay when only working for an hour at work. This simple, but not easy, change in perspective is in order.

Fair enough?

The Pursuit of Perfection

2009-10-24T03:43:20Z

What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!

This quote from the great Alfred Adler is one that is much easier to read than it is to live, for many of us. Perfectionism is an affliction, a bondage of the mind. In its pathological form, perfectionism is the belief that anything less than flawlessness is unacceptable. What a stressful way to live! Yet, many people in our culture live under these personally policed laws.

No one would argue that it is valuable to have high aspirations; with lofty goals for self, one can accomplish great things. It seems there is a fine line that one must walk - that line between being a person of excellence and being a person that expects unattainable perfection.

Psychologist D.W. Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough mother” to describe a level of parenting attunement necessary in order to provide a baby with the optimal environment for developing positive object relations (the relationship between the baby and things or people within the surrounding environment). Part of this theory become deeply important to me as I became a parent - the idea that my children actually need me to be less than perfect. If I am a perfect mother, it would be a great disservice to my kids. It is through witnessing my mistakes and through the imperfections within my relationships with my children themselves that they learn so much about life. They learn how to make mistakes with grace, how to apologize, how to forgive; they learn how to be brave in the midst of frustration and anxiety; they learn that a messy house can be a lesser priority than playing with one’s family; they learn that it’s okay to feel sad or angry or just plain grumpy, as long as others are respected; they learn how to love - unconditionally.

Give yourself a break! Being perfect is not part of our job description as humans, so stop beating yourself up for not measuring up to your own goals of idealism. Take a deep breath and recognize yourself for being the “good enough” person that you are.

And if necessary, repeat to yourself: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And dog-gone-it, people like me!” [Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley].