My son has joined the wide world of competitive sports. As our family entered this period with excitement, I also recognized that we have just entered a very long road that may not have an end for another dozen years!

We’ve all heard about “those” sports parents. You know the ones - parents who throw fits or fists, who yell at refs, their own kids, other kids, other parents, the vending guys. Here are a few reminders that I picked up on while watching my son play:

Be an Encourager

It takes courage for children to put themselves on display. The effort that they put forth deserves honor and respect. Yes, grandma, you telling your grandson that he “deserves to lose because of his lousy performance” may shame him into better production, but the output will not be his own. Children may get results out of fear or anger, but how much greater for kids to be motivated by words of affirmation! Build him up and see what happens!

Be Calm

I know that sports, drama, music or other forms of entertainment can get a parents blood pumping - it absolutely does mine. We want our children to not only be accomplished, but to excel to the potential that we dream is within them! It is natural to be excited, frustrated, elated, disappointed - but that is never an excuse to be ugly. Dad, giving your child the cold shoulder when he comes off court for an injury gives him the message that “you are no good to me unless you are winning”. Mom, walking out on to the court to voice your complaint to the ref during the game teaches your child that he can not handle these issues. And besides, it’s really mortifying.

Keep Perspective

Extra curricular activities are important. Kids can learn amazing life lessons about teamwork, work ethics, boundaries, confidence, and disappointment. These activities may also be a hope for you to fulfill your own unrealized dreams or a path for your child to go to college. But, people, come on! Parent coach, when your daughter is crying from a painful injury, those lectures that include phrases like “this is part of the game” and “you know what you need to do” really aren’t helpful. Yes, she finished the game, but did you see her face in the team photo afterwards? That was not joy in the game.

Can we make a deal? Can all of us grown-ups who watch kids sports commit to, I don’t know, acting like grown-ups? Let’s cheer, encourage, support, honor, and love kids as they make themselves vulnerable in a public way.

Cheer with me: “S-U-C-C-E-S-S, we wish you luck and all the rest with S-U-C-C-E-S-S!”

Parents who have chosen the route of adoption, either because they could not have their own children or they simply felt a calling to bless a child’s life in this most profound way, deserve our thanks. Children who may have otherwise experienced life in multiple foster homes or in orphanages are given the opportunity to have a stable families and a consistent homes. There is no gift that can cause such an impact to a child who desperately needs love and compassion.

As stated in the last post, there are special considerations that parents must take into account when bringing a child into their home through adoption. Even in the most ideal of adoptions, when the child was well cared for pre-natally and handed to the adoptive parents at birth, attachment must be nurtured and deliberate throughout the child’s development. When a child is adopted in the toddler years, early childhood or teen years, the implications and needs are unique and must be considered.

Some examples of potential areas to foster attachment:
Bedtime - At the same time each night have an unhurried time to accomplish the nighttime family habits. Include in this ways for the child to unwind and relax, as well as bond with you as their parent through books, made up stories, songs, or prayers.
Photos - Have family portraits taken early and often, so the child can see visible reminders of being a permanent part of the family.
Holidays & Celebrations - Allow the child to help plan family events that will become traditions. It is especially helpful if the child comes from another culture to blend the old culture into your family’s culture for a beautiful, unique mix.
Meals - Commit to eating as a family around the table, with no television or other distractions. Allow each family member time for sharing what is happening in their lives that is positive and those things that are difficult.
Memory Books - Start a memory book with your child right away with pictures and mementos surrounding the adoption and early days together.
Appropriate Touch - Whenever possible and taking into consideration what will be helpful for your particular child, touch through tickling, hugs, holding hands, back rubs, hair stroking, playful wrestling.
Affirm - At all ages, reinforce to your child verbally how much they mean to you, how you are glad they are a part of your family, how you love them - forever.
Sensitivity - Be cognizant of events or circumstances that might be especially hard, given your child’s special relationship to you and the world - changes in routine (new school, new schedule), losses (new teacher, friend moving), fears (the dark, being alone).

Even years after a child has been adopted, he or she may experience fears of abandonment or questions about the circumstances involving the adoption. Something like a trip for mom and dad or a big brother playfully locking a child in the bathroom can trigger deeply hidden feelings of loss and abandonment.

So let this just serve as a little reminder. If you are the parent of or even a friend of someone who has been adopted, be aware of the special circumstances and feelings that person may have, even if it has been years since the adoption.

In Nancy Verrier’s book, The Primal Wound, she describes a story about a little girl who had been adopted as a baby. This little girl, now four years old, had a nightmare one night and cried out. Her mother rushed in to comfort her, holding her and whispering, “It’s okay, Mommy is here.” The little girl responded, “I want my other mommy!” This little girl had been adopted at birth and had not yet been told her story of adoption.

A colleague had a client who struggled her entire life with anxiety, depression, and identity issues. After this client’s parents died, she began to do family research, hoping to find answers into her deep-felt questions about who she was. In her research she discovered that she was indeed adopted at birth. This news did not surprise her in the least, and she went on the hunt to find her birth family.

Many years ago I had a beautiful 12-year-old girl as a client. She had been diagnosed at one time or another with almost every possible mental disorder, but most prominently struggled with RAD (reactive attachment disorder, a mental health issue that occurs when a child does not have healthy bonding with a primary caregiver in his earliest years, characterized by inappropriate social relationship and indiscriminate bonding). She had been adopted at six weeks of age; the weeks prior were filled with violence and neglect.

How did these individuals know that they had been adopted? How is it possible that events that occurred prenatally or within the first few weeks of life could have such a lasting impact?

Babies were at one time seen as free from feeling or understanding. There is much research that now shows that even babies in utero express anger, fear, joy, and other reactions and emotions. Babies who were within a mother who experienced abuse during the pregnancy show greater startle reflexes and other signs of experiencing personal abuse. Within moments after birth, babies respond to the smell or sound of the one who carried them for those many months. We all carry with us the significant memories of our lives, even those that we can not readily access. Those memories are there, just stored away in our unconscious, affecting us in ways we may not understand.

Does it not make sense that a child recognizes that the arms of the person in whom she is placed is not the same person whom she spent the previous 40 weeks?

Research is showing that this is in fact the case. And since that is being shown to be true, it stands to reason that there will be a disconnect for all children who are raised by someone other than the biological parent.

Is this disconnect insurmountable? Are all children who are adopted destined to be visiting a psychologists office for the remainder of their lives? Absolutely not! Children who are adopted into loving, caring homes can lead whole, healthy, beautiful lives (as many children who live with biological parents will also have terribly messy lives!). What this does mean, though, is that children who are adopted have a need that will be different than those children who live with biological parents. Deliberate steps of attachment and bonding are essential, not only in the first weeks and months after an adoption, but throughout the child’s life, taking into account those especially poignant times of identity development (e.g. going to school - where some unfortunately tease adopted children, puberty, going away to college).

To be continued…

* I understand that adoption is a very personal and sensitive subject for many. If I used any word choices or ideas that are offensive to you, I apologize and ask that you send me an email so that we might dialogue about it. kristi@kristicashwhite.com

This week the world has been witness to a horrible natural disaster in the country of Haiti. An earthquake with an epicenter in the heart of the capital city devastated the tiny island country, with the death toll estimated to be as high as 200,000. Like many of you, as I have seen the graphic images and heard the heart-breaking stories, I have felt an urgent need to help in some way.*

It is especially painful for me to think of the children there. How confused they must be! How lost. How very, very frightened. Many have seen their homes, their schools, the places that are familiar destroyed. Some have witnessed family, friends, and teachers die. All have lost a sense of security, peace, and a portion of their childhood innocence.

Five years ago I was chosen to join an international delegation of play therapists to bring help and healing to the children of Sri Lanka following the devastating Indian Ocean tsunami that wiped out over 35,000 in that country alone, and around 200,000 worldwide. We arrived just over one month following the tsunami; it was a delicate time of balance between grief, anguish, and shock on one side and precarious hope and rebuilding teetering on the other. Some powerful lessons were reinforced for me on that journey.

1. All children need to play. Even in, or especially in, times of crisis and uncertainty, children need the emotional and relational release of play.

2. Play is the universal communication tool of children. We could not speak the language of the children, but with bubbles, stickers, balls, and puppets, we were able to share examples of hope and “hear” from the children their stories of pain and healing.

3. Play is simple. Kids do not need fancy game systems or store bought toys to have fun. With the children, we built entire villages with sticks, rocks, bricks, and whatever else could be found in the debris.

My heart and my prayers go out for the people of Haiti. If I can get over there to play with some children, I will. Please consider how you can help.

* Text “Haiti” to 90999 to give $10 to the Red Cross for those who need help in Haiti ($10 will be added to your cell phone bill). So easy!

What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!

This quote from the great Alfred Adler is one that is much easier to read than it is to live, for many of us. Perfectionism is an affliction, a bondage of the mind. In its pathological form, perfectionism is the belief that anything less than flawlessness is unacceptable. What a stressful way to live! Yet, many people in our culture live under these personally policed laws.

No one would argue that it is valuable to have high aspirations; with lofty goals for self, one can accomplish great things. It seems there is a fine line that one must walk - that line between being a person of excellence and being a person that expects unattainable perfection.

Psychologist D.W. Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough mother” to describe a level of parenting attunement necessary in order to provide a baby with the optimal environment for developing positive object relations (the relationship between the baby and things or people within the surrounding environment). Part of this theory become deeply important to me as I became a parent - the idea that my children actually need me to be less than perfect. If I am a perfect mother, it would be a great disservice to my kids. It is through witnessing my mistakes and through the imperfections within my relationships with my children themselves that they learn so much about life. They learn how to make mistakes with grace, how to apologize, how to forgive; they learn how to be brave in the midst of frustration and anxiety; they learn that a messy house can be a lesser priority than playing with one’s family; they learn that it’s okay to feel sad or angry or just plain grumpy, as long as others are respected; they learn how to love - unconditionally.

Give yourself a break! Being perfect is not part of our job description as humans, so stop beating yourself up for not measuring up to your own goals of idealism. Take a deep breath and recognize yourself for being the “good enough” person that you are.

And if necessary, repeat to yourself: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And dog-gone-it, people like me!” [Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley].

My three-year-old is in to repetition, as are many little people her age. With each new day comes the requests for the same sandwich (pb&j), the same movie (High School Musical 2 - not 1, not 3, but 2), and the same books. Snow White tops the list lately, so I have read and read and read that classic tale of mystery, adventure, and friendship.

The queen is such an interesting character. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?” Such insecurity! The poor woman is so paranoid and prideful that she turns to evil means to stay on top.

At the MTV Video Music Awards this week, we were able to see the wicked queen come to life again. In this latest installment, instead of transforming into a witch, she chose to don her Kanye West costume. Kanye, apparently appalled at the injustice of young Taylor Swift winning Best Female Video, stormed the stage. Taking the microphone out of Taylor’s sweet hands, he explained in his own way why Beyonce was the clear winner.

Contrast that low move with the classy response of Miss Beyonce who, upon winning Best Video of the Year (if you’d just had patience, Kanye!), gave up her time in the spotlight by inviting Taylor to finish her speech. How refreshing to see a star take a stance of humility and selflessness.

Narcissism, a personality disorder according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is an extremely difficult deviation. It is an issue that causes problems with and for those around the narcissist, but the person with the issue is generally unwilling to seek treatment (it’s everyone else’s fault!). Narcissists are very reluctant to open up and trust, and they have a skewed sense of reality (everyone loves me!), so even if therapy becomes an option, the therapist will know little about the reality surrounding the individual.

Narcissism is marked by “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1)  has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2)  is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3)  believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

(4)  requires excessive admiration

(5)  has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6)  is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7)  lacks empathy:  is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8)  is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9)  shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes” (DSM IV).

So is there hope for Kanye and the wicked step-mother? I have to believe there must be, no matter how tenuous. Research is very unclear as to the origins of narcissism. If narcissism is a learned trait caused by very early affective deprivation, which is the preferred theory, then it stands to reason that it can be overcome through new learning. It is with fingers crossed then that I hope this latest stunt by Kanye will be a trigger that can open him to the help he needs. In the meantime, avoid any apples he may offer.

I have nice kids. Really, I do. But sometimes they just make me absolutely crazy. As much as I offer them fabulous parenting (cough, cough), they are still little people who make their own choices. Unfortunately for me that means that once-in-a-while (or a gazillion times in a day), they will push and shove against boundaries that are in place to guide them towards health, safety, and socially respectful and loving behavior.

The other day, after a rather epic tantrum at Ikea (one of the kids’ tantrums, not mine), I was replaying the events, thinking about what I would suggest to a parent who offered the same scenario. I realized that I would have advised to do exactly what it was that I did that time (not always, for sure): I acknowledged her feelings and wants (You really want me to carry you in my arms), I offered her a clear boundary (Now is not a time for me to carry you), and offered her a feasible choice (You can choose to walk or to ride in the cart). When she clearly vocalized her disappointment at said options, she was given another choice (“If you choose to tantrum, you are choosing to ride in the cart”). Then I gallantly followed through. Of course, as my cart made its way down the aisle with a screaming banshee aboard, I received an abundance of looks from fellow shoppers which contained equal parts empathy and disdain. Yet I trekked on.

It is absolutely exhausting to consistently provide and reinforce clear boundaries. Yet - it is so worth it. In some ways, it would have been easier just to give her what she wanted. I certainly would have been less embarrassed by the public showing. If I had, though, she would have made a subconscious mental note: “If I want something, I need to tantrum, because mom then gives in.” If I am consistent with this communication of choice and consequences, she will eventually internalize the lessons, which hopefully will sound more like, “Mom’s not giving me what I want, but I’ll just choose the better option out of the choices she’s presented. I know it won’t do any good to throw a fit about it. And maybe I’ll just go ahead and take this opportunity to tell her how much I love, admire, and adore her and how much I appreciate her great parenting.” Or something like that.

So, hang in there parents, teachers, counselors, and all those who spend time with children! Our calling is not an easy one, but there is none other as important. Fight off the temptation to take the easier path that will result in a harder journey down the road.

Now, anyone up for some Swedish meatballs?

First impressions are a funny thing. Not always ha ha funny, but sometimes a huh, that’s strange funny. Recently I was with a group who, for some sadistic reason, decided to share with each other our first impressions of each person present. This might have been a better exercise had we all been inebriated. We were camping, so I can only imagine it was the mix of campfire smoke and pine scented air that caused us to partake in such a game.

I communicate well, I’m intimidating, I’m stylish, I’m unorganized and irresponsible, and I married a cool guy - those were the first impressions that I had given. I had to ask myself the same question I ask my kids whenever someone says something to them that stings. Well, is it true? Are you really stupid/ ugly/ boring (or in this situation) unorganized/ irresponsible/ stylish? Heavens, no! Those three words in particular are not ones that I have ever heard uttered in a sentence along with my name. It was only after this internal dialogue that I was able to see first impressions for what they are (and even laugh a little).

First impressions are a fickle little puppy. They wield a great deal of power - substantially more than they should. I wonder how many great relationships I have missed out on because I turned away before I got to know someone. How often have I mislabeled someone as aloof when she is simply shy, or a grump when I didn’t know of the especially bad morning that he had when we first met, or so stinkin’ talented that we’d have nothing in common.

So that’s it. I think I’m going to make an effort to see first impressions for what they are. And, unless it involves marshmallows, I think I’ll stay away from campfire games for a little while, too.

___

Article republished from personal blog, August, 2008.