What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!

This quote from the great Alfred Adler is one that is much easier to read than it is to live, for many of us. Perfectionism is an affliction, a bondage of the mind. In its pathological form, perfectionism is the belief that anything less than flawlessness is unacceptable. What a stressful way to live! Yet, many people in our culture live under these personally policed laws.

No one would argue that it is valuable to have high aspirations; with lofty goals for self, one can accomplish great things. It seems there is a fine line that one must walk - that line between being a person of excellence and being a person that expects unattainable perfection.

Psychologist D.W. Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough mother” to describe a level of parenting attunement necessary in order to provide a baby with the optimal environment for developing positive object relations (the relationship between the baby and things or people within the surrounding environment). Part of this theory become deeply important to me as I became a parent - the idea that my children actually need me to be less than perfect. If I am a perfect mother, it would be a great disservice to my kids. It is through witnessing my mistakes and through the imperfections within my relationships with my children themselves that they learn so much about life. They learn how to make mistakes with grace, how to apologize, how to forgive; they learn how to be brave in the midst of frustration and anxiety; they learn that a messy house can be a lesser priority than playing with one’s family; they learn that it’s okay to feel sad or angry or just plain grumpy, as long as others are respected; they learn how to love - unconditionally.

Give yourself a break! Being perfect is not part of our job description as humans, so stop beating yourself up for not measuring up to your own goals of idealism. Take a deep breath and recognize yourself for being the “good enough” person that you are.

And if necessary, repeat to yourself: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And dog-gone-it, people like me!” [Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley].

Posted in Mental Health, Parenting