In Nancy Verrier’s book, The Primal Wound, she describes a story about a little girl who had been adopted as a baby. This little girl, now four years old, had a nightmare one night and cried out. Her mother rushed in to comfort her, holding her and whispering, “It’s okay, Mommy is here.” The little girl responded, “I want my other mommy!” This little girl had been adopted at birth and had not yet been told her story of adoption.

A colleague had a client who struggled her entire life with anxiety, depression, and identity issues. After this client’s parents died, she began to do family research, hoping to find answers into her deep-felt questions about who she was. In her research she discovered that she was indeed adopted at birth. This news did not surprise her in the least, and she went on the hunt to find her birth family.

Many years ago I had a beautiful 12-year-old girl as a client. She had been diagnosed at one time or another with almost every possible mental disorder, but most prominently struggled with RAD (reactive attachment disorder, a mental health issue that occurs when a child does not have healthy bonding with a primary caregiver in his earliest years, characterized by inappropriate social relationship and indiscriminate bonding). She had been adopted at six weeks of age; the weeks prior were filled with violence and neglect.

How did these individuals know that they had been adopted? How is it possible that events that occurred prenatally or within the first few weeks of life could have such a lasting impact?

Babies were at one time seen as free from feeling or understanding. There is much research that now shows that even babies in utero express anger, fear, joy, and other reactions and emotions. Babies who were within a mother who experienced abuse during the pregnancy show greater startle reflexes and other signs of experiencing personal abuse. Within moments after birth, babies respond to the smell or sound of the one who carried them for those many months. We all carry with us the significant memories of our lives, even those that we can not readily access. Those memories are there, just stored away in our unconscious, affecting us in ways we may not understand.

Does it not make sense that a child recognizes that the arms of the person in whom she is placed is not the same person whom she spent the previous 40 weeks?

Research is showing that this is in fact the case. And since that is being shown to be true, it stands to reason that there will be a disconnect for all children who are raised by someone other than the biological parent.

Is this disconnect insurmountable? Are all children who are adopted destined to be visiting a psychologists office for the remainder of their lives? Absolutely not! Children who are adopted into loving, caring homes can lead whole, healthy, beautiful lives (as many children who live with biological parents will also have terribly messy lives!). What this does mean, though, is that children who are adopted have a need that will be different than those children who live with biological parents. Deliberate steps of attachment and bonding are essential, not only in the first weeks and months after an adoption, but throughout the child’s life, taking into account those especially poignant times of identity development (e.g. going to school - where some unfortunately tease adopted children, puberty, going away to college).

To be continued…

* I understand that adoption is a very personal and sensitive subject for many. If I used any word choices or ideas that are offensive to you, I apologize and ask that you send me an email so that we might dialogue about it. .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Posted in Adoption, Parenting