I have nice kids. Really, I do. But sometimes they just make me absolutely crazy. As much as I offer them fabulous parenting (cough, cough), they are still little people who make their own choices. Unfortunately for me that means that once-in-a-while (or a gazillion times in a day), they will push and shove against boundaries that are in place to guide them towards health, safety, and socially respectful and loving behavior.

The other day, after a rather epic tantrum at Ikea (one of the kids’ tantrums, not mine), I was replaying the events, thinking about what I would suggest to a parent who offered the same scenario. I realized that I would have advised to do exactly what it was that I did that time (not always, for sure): I acknowledged her feelings and wants (You really want me to carry you in my arms), I offered her a clear boundary (Now is not a time for me to carry you), and offered her a feasible choice (You can choose to walk or to ride in the cart). When she clearly vocalized her disappointment at said options, she was given another choice (“If you choose to tantrum, you are choosing to ride in the cart”). Then I gallantly followed through. Of course, as my cart made its way down the aisle with a screaming banshee aboard, I received an abundance of looks from fellow shoppers which contained equal parts empathy and disdain. Yet I trekked on.

It is absolutely exhausting to consistently provide and reinforce clear boundaries. Yet - it is so worth it. In some ways, it would have been easier just to give her what she wanted. I certainly would have been less embarrassed by the public showing. If I had, though, she would have made a subconscious mental note: “If I want something, I need to tantrum, because mom then gives in.” If I am consistent with this communication of choice and consequences, she will eventually internalize the lessons, which hopefully will sound more like, “Mom’s not giving me what I want, but I’ll just choose the better option out of the choices she’s presented. I know it won’t do any good to throw a fit about it. And maybe I’ll just go ahead and take this opportunity to tell her how much I love, admire, and adore her and how much I appreciate her great parenting.” Or something like that.

So, hang in there parents, teachers, counselors, and all those who spend time with children! Our calling is not an easy one, but there is none other as important. Fight off the temptation to take the easier path that will result in a harder journey down the road.

Now, anyone up for some Swedish meatballs?

Posted in Parenting, Relationships