It seems that all of my close friends are currently traversing major life transitions - a change in career, selling a home, moving across the country, caring for a sick child, pregnancy. Although some of these changes are exciting and even desired, change brings as an unwelcome guest not an insignificant amount of stress. And although my friends are handling these changes like the champs they are, stress causes even the strongest of us to react in ways that may be foreign to our normal ways of behaving.

Stressed parents equals stressed kids. From the time a child is in her mother’s womb, she is attuned to the emotional ups and downs of the most important person in her life. This can become a vicious cycle during the time of a family transition - the parents are stressed because of life changes; the child becomes stressed because of the parents’ stress; the child acts in ways that are difficult for the parent; the parent becomes increasingly troubled. And so goes the circle of stress [insert song: “The circle of stress - it eats at our children”].

As the ones in this scenario who have the ability to recognize the patterns and have insight into the emotional needs of the family, the parent has the opportunity to put a damper on this cycle of stress. Here’s a few things to keep in mind:

Start by recognizing that changes in your child’s behavior may have their origins in the transitions within your family. These can come in many forms - eating more, eating less, changes in food preferences, crying more, being more irritable, withdrawing, reverting to younger developmental behaviors (e.g. thumb sucking, bed wetting), restless sleep, nightmares, and my least favorite, increased whining. Often just connecting the change in behavior to the possible root is helpful for finding our needed empathy.

Give your child areas for which they have control. It is often the lack of personal power that motivates kids to find that power where they can - what they eat, when they go the bathroom, how they behave. Let your child choose the menu for dinner or what clothes he is going to wear, or if you are moving, let your child pack up a box of her toys. Offer choices that will allow your child to feel that they are being heard and have some control in their lives.

Boundaries and routines are extremely important for children, especially those going through transitions. For parents who are stressed and have a lot of details to oversee, it is an especially hard time to keep those boundaries and routines. Do what you can to establish these vital rituals, especially related to bedtime and rest and stick to them. And, although you are more empathetic to your child’s behavior, do not allow it to be an excuse for bad choices by your child. Stick to the family rules.

Spend time each day (thirty minutes minimum) playing and connecting with your child. This is essential!

I might be stating the obvious here, but if the parents are not stressed during life transitions, then the children will have an easier time making the changes as well. You will also be teaching good habits to your little apers. So that means you need to do those things that will make you healthy and at peace - exercise, eat healthy, schedule time with friends, meditate, practice your hobby, read for pleasure, connect with your spouse. Don’t those options sound better than a house full of stressed out adults and kids anyway?!

Posted in Mental Health, Parenting, Pre-School Age