If one were to poll those who have sought out the help of a counselor, there might be a wide range of answers. A few repeats would undoubtedly pop up as well: I need help sorting out my issues...It is important that I find some direction...My relationships are in trouble. One answer that may be voiced as well, but also is surely hidden within many of the other reasons given is: I just want to be heard.

Doesn’t every human desire to be understood? There is great comfort and peace in simply sensing that someone else empathizes with our experience—whether it is something pithy like a knowing glance from another patron who is having to wait on the same slow bank teller or if it is an issue deeply profound and troubling, such as a tender note received from another parent who has a sick child like your own. As people who are hard-wired for connection with others, we truly need to know that someone else “gets us”. Children are no different in this respect.

There are a number of things that happen when you acknowledge a child’s feelings as the catalyst in a conversation. You are communicating to that child:

You have my attention. That may not significant on the surface, but it is a profound message to anyone, let alone a child! Think about what kids must do to get the attention of the adults in their lives. They are competing with computers, cell phones, t.v., work, chores, church, friends, volunteering, other children, rest, exercise…and the list goes on. By saying the child’s name, followed by the feeling that they appear to be exploring, lets that child know that they are in your focus.

What you are experiencing is real. As children navigate new developmental stages, they may be exploring some feelings for the first time or at least in a new context. It can be confusing and unnerving to feel one or multiple emotions which are unfamiliar. Stating the feeling for the child assists the child in sorting out what it is that so desperately desire to express.

Your feelings matter. As adults we often want children to behave, to comply without taking the time to figure out what the child is really doing. What is happening from the child’s perspective? The child’s behavior makes sense—to them. In taking the time to be attuned to the child’s feelings, wishes, and wants, we are giving the message that how you feel is as important to me as how you behave.

Jaime, I can see that you are really mad!

Devin, it looks like you may be feeling left out of the group.

Kendra, I wonder if you are jealous that your sister got to go and you didn’t.

Caleb, you are really excited to be here today!

This simple communication tool can be a tremendous aid for both the adult and the child as they navigate the complexity of a dynamic relationship, as well as each individual’s emotional and developmental station in life. And if a child feels heard now, maybe they’ll be that much more willing to communicate as the years progress.

Posted in Communication, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships